The instructor seemed pretty awesome too. I told her I can be a little blunt or outspoken at times. I lack boundaries, have abandonment issues, and suffer from depression after a certain life-changing event. I have a lot going on inside my whittle brain, and I hate it. I'd love to be able to take my emotions from a 10 down to a 5, even. I lose my marbles.
When a certain someone pulls away, my black-and-white thinking comes in and I feel so alone, and get suicidal thoughts. It's scary to feel that alone.
I need to find the skills to de-escalate things before they get to that point. Holidays are really triggering too — I isolate when I'm invited to join my boyfriend and his family. I'd rather be alone, which is not the healthiest choice. In my head I want him to fight for me, to prove he loves me. It's ridiculous, because he hasn't left me during the absolute worst times of my life.
It might be a trauma bond with him, or what, but he is my safety blanket. I feel beyond safe in his big muscular arms. He's so strong compared to me, and I love it. I feel protected from the scary world. He's my person, and I panic when I feel distance. I'll blow his phone up, show up to where I think he is, and usually it's just something so stupid — like he's taking a nap or working. We usually have great communication, so if he's doing any side jobs I'm updated. It eases my mind if I'm in the loop. That's how I thought every relationship should be. I have no idea what a healthy one actually looks like.
I know in this one, I am very submissive. In my everyday personality I'm "lippy," as he says — just a little blunt. I think because he has this sexy dominance about him, I just melt. I let him lead this relationship. I don't argue much, and if he has a moment I let him have it and don't push things. It's made our relationship easier. We barely fight — the most I do, I think, is annoy him. Or want to smother him. Not healthy, but if I am just there with him and we don't even speak, I'm fine. He is my peace, most of the time.
I've read up on BPD and he's definitely my favorite person. I idolize him — I always have. We met years before actually dating, just friends. I never in a million years thought I'd be calling him my boyfriend. He is so attractive, I never thought I was in his league. Anytime we're out, people are staring at him. He's very yummy. I feel very special to be with him. I see forever with him, and all his flaws that I accept. I love his family and adore their family dog. I would do anything for this amazing soul.
I know he was put in my life to be the strong man I can lean on. I know my PMDD and my BPD are a lot to deal with — I have a meltdown once a month, if not more. He's handled me very well. I don't know many people who would. I'd like to someday be his peace, like he is mine.
I'm going to take this class three days a week, like my life depends on it. I want to gain the skills to be able to handle my emotions, to feel somewhat in control of myself. I'd love to not go from 0 to 100, cut people off, be so manipulative, and be less impulsive. My world would be a lot easier to live in — I wouldn't have so much drama in it. I really hope I can stick this out, and become a better person, and gain more from this. I really hate living this way. So wish me luck on my journey.
