I'm just sad, right now, that he's not contacting me. I need constant reassurance, often. If that ever lacks, I spiral — it won't matter if I see him every night, if I don't get my validation that he loves me, I lose it. Imagine being a man who receives over 200 text messages and 100 phone calls. Yikes, a little nuts maybe, but yup, that's my go-to until I just go look for him. Without a vehicle and my license it's a little hard, but if I want something, I'll get it. If only I used this motivation for something healthier. Ha.
I listen to sad songs to make the feeling more emotional too. I need nicotine more than ever. My head feels cloudy and I'm already crying for no reason. Thanks so much, PMDD. Awesome. It always ends up being something so stupid, where I feel so dumb after for freaking out over nothing. You'd think I'd learn, but I'm trying to protect my little Stephanie from being hurt.
I know what this abandonment is. I've felt it over and over, to where I don't feel worthy in life.
I think life is better if I'm not here, since everyone leaves. Is that true, should I question that? It may not be true, but my black-and-white thinking will just roll with it. My heart feels like it's pounding so loud right now. My chest feels tight. All I want is for him to tell me everything is okay. I want some answer. I want to go see him, for his arms to be around me. I don't want to sit in this room alone. This place I rent is definitely not healthy for my mental state — I'm here because it's all I can afford at the moment.
I've already sent my man 17 texts. I get obsessive about things. Can I distract myself? Sure, I can go take a shower and cry in the bathroom. That might work better than sitting here while my mind is racing and I'm bloated and feeling ick. On any other day I probably wouldn't even want to see him when I'm this bloated — it's so uncomfortable. I just want him to tell me he's okay and answer me.
I have no boundaries with him, and I feel bad after, always, but panic sets in. I've tried to explain this to him and he half listens. I think a cold shower is what I'll do, to try to distract myself. Usually if I don't hear from him I feel like anyone or anything else is better than being alone, and I'll go find someone else to take his space, because being alone during a freak-out moment will make me go insane. Or the opposite, and I'll go to bed.
Which is the better option? Less regret, less self-control — it's obviously a depressive state, crying myself to sleep, but it's obviously better than making other plans out of being impulsive. I'll keep you posted if I decide to let my impulsive side win or not.
